You've got to decide if it's worth keeping such a person in your life. But there’s a difference between truly hopeless relationships and those that might just require a bit more communication and compromise to get back on track. Conflict is unpleasant. Required fields are marked *. She takes advantage of me and she is always jealous of me and she always talk trash about me to my best friend until they won't be friends with me. These friends won’t compromise. Don't be afraid to sit down and write your friend a letter explaining why you can no longer continue the friendship. Your email address will not be published. However, it would only result in a strong hit on your self-esteem and confidence. Do they enhance your life? These are some of the major red flags that everyone should look out for in people around them. Whether or not you are satisfied with yourself, or if you asked for their advice, does not matter. Victoria Lynn from Arkansas, USA on July 24, 2012: This is great information. Our compadres have the power to subtly – usually, unintentionally – influence us. A quick morning email to help you start each day on the right foot. Hence, surrounding ourselves with good people is essential for peace of mind. It was not an easy decision, because he's not as sociopathic as the first person. That is very true. And when your concerns are voiced, a clear alibi is established – “It was just a joke”. However, truthfulness is crucial in an intimate relationship. And while you can’t expect someone to change completely, you can set boundaries for how the two of you approach the more fraught elements of your relationship. Is everything in their life a drama that they attempt to make you part of, or do they try to suck you into their lies? Never the less I really enjoyed your article and voted up! I just don't know if I have it inside to completely let go to our friendship just yet, but I will do my best to distance myself. You just need to look out for some key signs of their toxic nature and leave on encountering them. Why would you stay friends with such a person? Thanks for vote and for sharing. She actually was a great person. I referred to all the things I already had told him face-to-face. You find yourself with no desire to be with that person—not even for a social visit. We made up and moved on. Pay close attention to how this so-called friend is treating you. Have you met any such toxic people? But then something changed. Then don't look back. Toxic people often toe the line between being unhealthy friends and being downright bullies. When I had anxiety he left town. Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 24, 2012: You made a good point about abusing your kindness for weakness. My friend told me she’s didnt want to be friends with me because I was toxic and only carded about myself. I’ll also explain how to end the relationship, so you’re no longer affected by their misconduct. If you're not in a close relationship and ask personal questions, one has the right to not answer. If you decide you’re better off having nothing further to do with this person, your next step is to figure out how to end the relationship. Keep reading to learn all about Toxic Friendships, their influence and how to deal with them. A friend who exhibits negative behavior can reflect poorly on you. I plan to look for your hub about her. Soon you start dreading meeting them and start googling about toxic friendships *winky-face*. Have you ever wondered what might be the immediate cause of your failure or a decrease in your self-confidence? Great job! The ones I have, I have not kept in my life for long. You find them boring because they have no beneficial interests. You realize you need a more balanced and healthy life. Let them (and yourself ) know that it hurt you and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. This is awesome information! When I was sick with Pneumonia, the one red flag that bothered me was he never made time for me and he lives on the same street as I do. Sure, he supported me, but he wasn't there when I needed him. 7. It's not possible to avoid the first person entirely, but I've been minimizing contact. Friends fight sometimes. I wasn't happy towards the end of the friendship. Take a look, Counseling and Higher Education department, A Game to Get You Un-Stuck on Crappy Feelings, Cultivate a Stoic ‘Indifference’ to Politics, The Norwegian Philosophy of Thriving in Winter, What the People Who Are Holding it Together Know, How to Live With People Whose Worldview You Can’t Stand, To Become Happier, Ask Yourself These Two Questions Every Night. Chelsea on September 02, 2018: Mr/Mrs Glenn, I think I have a toxic friend. Until that moment, I’d never thought to describe anyone in my life as “toxic,” even though it’s a label I’ve heard tossed around quite a bit. They could be anyone from your family to your colleagues. For a year and a half he wasn't really there for me. Toxic people are bad influences and waste your time. And you must now bid goodbye. She wished I would confide in her more. It is okay to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments, even with all the modesty in the world. It can obviously have a profound impact on our mental health, but it can also indirectly impact our physical health. You have managed to figure out that these people are definitely taxing for your mental health. This is extremely dangerous for your mental health as you could start experiencing insecurity and end up gaslighted. Humans are social beings. “A lot of friendships can have their ups and downs, but you always find ways to come together again” — provided you’re willing to wait things out. I let him know the reasons for my decision to part ways. Hence, surrounding ourselves with good people is essential for peace of mind. It has happened to me a number of times, but you live and learn. Sometimes, the work you put into a relationship pays off, growing it into something that’s not only not toxic, but nourishing. Without going into the depressing details, I can say that much of what you've written applies to two people I know. At least they know why at that point, or should know. Of course, to many people, that’s part of its appeal. Photo by Vaishnav Chogale on Unsplash (text added by author). I once had a friend who asked me to lie to his wife about his bad behavior that was detrimental to his daughter. You now get to keep your friend, minus the toxicity! “The unifying factor in toxic friendships is the inability and unwillingness to change or to see another’s point of view,” McCoy explains. But in the spirit of doing something good for yourself, you also want to make sure you’re not closing yourself off to relationships that still have value. They offer useful opinions or guidance when you need it, and you do the same for them. I told him about all the things that were troubling me about his attitude. How to Deal With Toxic Friends Then there's that one type of friend who offers no value to you at all: What do you do if your friendship began a long time ago, or it's a lifelong friend? Just let her go. Then there comes a time when you pull the plug and end it. I can relate to the points you've made in your article. It helped that I moved house though as I am really not good at ‘telling people like it is’ … I tend to seethe inside instead. The toxic friends, however, swing around this rule. Reduce your online contact. You know what's best for your sanity and well-being. So how do you know whether it’s time to let go of a truly toxic friendship or whether you’re just experiencing relationship growing pain? Personal hubs always makes me want to read more. It’s a sign that he or she does not respect you. You can't have intelligent conversations because they have no solid education. What do they expect to achieve? If you’ve raised the same issues time and again to no avail, that’s a different story. But staying away from toxic people is so much more important for our own mental health, no matter how long we know them. To them, every minute not spent talking about them is a minute wasted. If you read the DSM Manual on Mental Health disorders, it lists some of these things. Your friend may not realize how much they’re hurting you. Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on September 02, 2018: Chelsea - Sure sounds like someone you would want to stay away from. I didn't think that he'd understand what I was writing, but I needed to put it in print anyway so he'd have a permanent record of the issues. Why would you want to have someone like that in your life’s? It’s also a necessary part of making relationships better. This is how I ended it with a toxic friend, That will give you a good idea how to handle it too. My job was done—time to move on. Should the plan of communication result in fake promises of betterment, or maybe not even that, it is clear that your relationship with them cannot be amended. Kathy McCoy, an Arizona-based psychologist and the author of several books on family relationships, says most therapists are reluctant to use the word “toxic” because it suggests there’s no hope for change. I communicated my feelings. Sometimes you may need to move on and be the mentally healthy person you are. If it was a friend from high school, you were young and didn't have a clear idea of the kind of friends you want in your life—those you can collaborate with on experience as you both grow older. Good to see you around. I was clearly explaining how I felt, but he continued with his unacceptable behavior. I admire the ex-wife, smart planning on her part, and it really shows that children learn from what they see and not from what you say! Their company drains your energy. There is nothing one can do about the friend being in denial or becoming defensive. Life drops lemons on everyone. Yet, if your friend betrays the sacred confidentiality and makes your secret public knowledge, they disclose themselves as untrustworthy. Here’s How To Deal with Toxic Friends: At a calm, peaceful time, sit down and think. What do you expect from them during this second chance? With their Bramhastra of Passive Aggression, they will belittle you and dismiss your victories. Obviously, it shouldn’t be effort that takes over your life. Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on August 28, 2012: Denise, yes it was a painfully situation. They’re often unwilling to consider the other person’s thoughts, feelings, or concerns. Especially when the decision has been made to end a friendship with a lifetime friend. Our compadres have the power to subtly – usually, unintentionally – influence us. Working through it requires honesty, directness, and vulnerability. I decided that the best thing was to write a letter. I remember feeling utterly drained and washed out after spending a weekend with her. Or what is the emotional debt that I feel I am owed, but am not seeing fulfilled?” says Degges-White. Here is an article to find out whether your Friend is a Bully-, 4 Signs That Your Friends Might Actually Be A Bully, Here is How you can Help your Friend going through an Anxiety Disorder-, Anxiety: How to Talk to and be Supportive of Anxious Friends, Your email address will not be published. So when I told another friend about it later, I was taken aback by their advice. You declared it a secret, so it’s a secret. I try to keep my distance with them now a days. Do you have a friend who is not a positive influence in your life? This includes the happenings and troubles of your life. But making lemonade is not an isolated process. Kymberly Fergusson from Germany on September 06, 2012: It's extremely painful to be in toxic friendships such as you have described, and worse when your family is toxic as DoItForHer mentioned. Here’s a quick bonus tip: #IMPORTANT TIP: Toxic people are unavoidable in all walks of life. Go with your gut feeling. I’ve had fraught relationships, sure. Thanks for the vote up. It’s draining. And it can be easier to label someone as “toxic” than to do that necessary emotional work. You've heard the saying, "Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are." Recognize that you may be part of the problem If the friendship is indeed toxic, there are productive ways to end it, depending on how close you are to the friend. I've had some toxic so-called friends as well. But “toxic,” at least the way we use it now, implies a certain grave finality: You spot the toxic person, and then you cut them out. Great work-shared and rated up/U/I. Larry Fields from Northern California on January 07, 2013: You've written a truly outstanding hub! That friend is clearly not a positive influence in your life. Is that a sign that she is fake ? Worst of all, they drag you into their shattered life. As you grow older, you might see your friend do hurtful things to others, even to their spouses and children. Most importantly, their companionship can affect our mental health. A compulsive liar is definitely a toxic person, but you have to appreciate when someone simply feels threatened or intimidated. Here’s a quick lesson on Recognizing Toxic Friends and their Effects: Friendship, at its core, involves a quid pro quo of listening, being empathetic, and giving thoughtful advice. Like anyone, I’ve struggled with feeling overburdened and underappreciated by people in my life. I began distancing myself from him. For both people, I expressed how I felt--in writing for the first, and by email for the second. However, do not let that be the reason to continue being a doormat. It seems that they just naturally disappeared out of my life as time went home. The time comes when you realize that they are interfering with your life, maybe even in a destructive way.